Redundancy is the breakup of a relationship
Many people are going through a new kind of relationship breakup and I thought it time to address it. I'm talking about redundancy.
People often jokingly talk about their work wife or work husband, and redundancy is the workplace divorce. If you’re losing your job, you’re likely to be going through some or all of the five stages of grief at some time: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, acceptance (although not necessarily in this order).
1) Denial: we go into denial as a protection mechanism while we try to absorb what’s happening. It’s normal to feel rejected, no matter how often you’re told it’s not you that’s been let go, it’s your position. This is when emotional pain can kick in – all the good memories flood in at the same time as worries for the future. We may be living in the 21st century, but the feeling of rejection is rooted in our 2-million-year-old physiology. It’s that whole thing of belonging, because, if you were cast out of the tribe and left to fend for yourself, it meant certain death. Relationship breakups and redundancy are the new sabre tooth tiger waiting for us at the mouth of the cave, and, although being cast out the tribe no longer means death, our bodies and minds go on high alert and into a state of huge stress. Physiologically, we are ready for freeze, fight or flight. Emotionally, everything becomes blurry and unreal.
2) Anger: we need the emotional outlet of anger when going through such a huge life change and it can often show up in the form of resentment and hurt pride. Why me? What did I do wrong? How dare they do this to me? Feeling angry is common while we try to process the emotional rollercoaster.
3) Bargaining: as humans, we have a biological need for familiarity and the end of a relationship takes away everything that’s familiar. The bargaining comes from a feeling of desperation. Can I reduce my hours / pay? Take a lesser position? It’s important to recognise this feeling of helplessness and despair and accept that some things are out of our control. It’s at this stage you may have thoughts about jumping back into bed with your ex (partner or employer) so remember that things happen for a reason.
4) Depression: This is when the emotional fog starts to lift, and we realise that this is really happening. A depressed person will often go inside and fold in on themselves, hunched, looking down, making themselves as small as possible. They isolate themselves, preferring to be alone with their thoughts that get trapped in an endless vicious circle with no way out. So please remember that ‘Motion Creates Emotion’. Push yourself to go out for a walk, get some fresh air. When you’re moving forward and gathering momentum, negative thoughts can be left behind, opening up space for fresh new thinking to come in. It’s physically impossible to feel down when looking up at the sky, so walk tall and look up often.
5) Acceptance: we can still feel the loss, but we accept that things are changing. It’s time for self-evaluation and honesty. If you had a magic wand and knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do? What’s that thought, that calling, that passion, that business idea you’ve been putting off for years because it was never the right time? If not now, when? If you’re applying for jobs, what are your must haves? What will you never settle for again? Write down a description of your ideal job – role, duties, salary, working hours, work / life balance. Be creative. Check in with your emotions. Does it feel good? Tweak it until it does. Who’s to say your ideal job isn’t already out there, waiting for you to go and get it?
Whatever stage you’re at, it’s helpful to accept that you are going to feel uncomfortable for a time. To change your emotion, share your story with others. Did you ever have a chat with a friend, and during the conversation, you learned how you really felt about something? Our unconscious minds are giving us constant answers if we just stop to listen.
Most of all, be kind to yourself. It's possibly long overdue.
#newbeginnings2020 #redundancy #redundancysupport #thelifeafterdivorcecoach
